DISCLAIMER: Ladies and gentleman welcome to the disclaimer ,yes, that's right THE DISCLAIMER. The editor might cleanse any sense of innuendo or sarcasm from this post that may actually make you think and parts of it might actually make some sense. So protect yourself as this post may contain insulting content of things which are true. So if it seems sarcastic, don't take it seriously. If you think this is dangerous, don't quote it and if it offends you just don't read it.
Forget Oceans Eleven, Twelve to Hundred & Thirteen, the greatest con ever has been on for two millennia and a few centuries. I call it God, with a capital G. I shall present you with the story of the 20th century in support of my blasphemous views.
God is most probably Harry Houdini's granddad or close blood relative. It seems wherever us humans go in search for him he disappears with great efficiency and finds himself a new safe haven. We lived on land while he resided in his great old palace high above in the clouds. But, with our wickedly cool cerebellums which he bestowed upon us we found ourselves a way to invade his home in an air mobile which was remarkably similar to his mode of transport, The Chariot of The Sky. Except ours didn't have a name as grand as God's. The best we came up with was an aeroplane, which is pretty dull compared to the name God gave his flying machine. Well, we used this aeroplane machine and to our dismay we found nothing but vast expanses of fluffy, white, cotton like masses of compact water. No Kingdom of Heaven, no Grand Palace with dancing maidens and no sign at all of our guiding light. A lot of use were miserable over this and to keep the hope up a lot of cool theories were put forward. One man said that Big Daddy-O was on vacation and used the disturbed state of Russia and west Europe to prove his point. Another said that He by mistake had rubbed fried chicken on his face and was suffering from severe acne and that most probably he was just too embarrassed to show himself. Dermatologists supported this theory with great enthusiasm and even made a few million bucks writing books like '101 Reasons Why Fried Stuff Is A Bad Facewash' and 'Acne: A Holy Embarrassment'. Finally the guys with a horrid sense of dressing living in a tiny country in southern Europe said they'd misread the location of Heaven and that it had sent them a change of address letter and was now located just outside of the atmosphere. If God's top servitor said so from his high balcony, safe from being stoned by an early 20th century punk, it must be true. So all places of worship were up & running once again and a lot of swimming was going on there in the cash God asked for.
Everything was hunky dory for the men of religion for another half century, especially the donations. But, God made a huge mistake by going on holiday at a very wrong time. The result was catastrophic. That bad boy Hitler decided to make most of this opportunity and went on a killing spree sending only a few million to Hades realm. Poor Hades down below was overworked and he too disappeared as soon as the first deep earth sonar was used. Tssk tssk, that poor God.
God cut his vacation short and decided to give the most awesome minds to the two most powerful countries in the world at that time. One in Europe and one in North America. The one in North America dropped a Little Boy (seriously) to end the war. But alas, we humans being the ungrateful snobs we are decided to use our new intelligence to go check out God's new out of the world (quite literally) premises. God ran away once again and the guys who saved him last time soiled their underpants. At this point many became of the belief that God wasn't being particularly clever these days for having axed his own foot by giving us the brains he did.
The men of religion were stuck in a blind and decided to play it safe by blaming themselves for misinterpreting the sayings of the messengers God had sent long back. They said the interpretation should be our own for our faith to be truly successful. This took a majority of humans by surprise as these men had executed hundreds of intelligent dudes for having suggested the truth. For example - the Earth revolves around the Sun, our planet is spherical not flat, there is no horror of empty space and that vacuum exists. Our heads went all crazy like a compass near a magnet and we turned to dope for answers. And that my friends was the advent of the Hippie Generation.
The servants of God decided to use our dazed state of mind to their advantage by proposing that God was actually invisible and was watching over us all the time. H.G. Wells disagreed. His ghost came back to haunt us and begun demonstrating against libraries for having his book 'The Invisible Man' in the fiction bookshelf.
Three fourth of the world's population felt the need to escape this drama and resigned to accept the existence of god. That is the population that rules the planet today.
Looking at the hunger in the world, overpriced beer, violent deaths, booger, wars, dog poop on the streets and chewing gum stuck on your shoe it hard not to accept that God is at least incompetent. These kind of results are expected from an office clerk with a bad attitude, they wouldn't look all that good on the resume of a supreme being.
To end this I announce to the heavens, IF THERE IS A GOD MAY HE STRIKE ME DOWN!
See, nothing happened......NOO!!! Wait, I'm having.......... mass...... convulsions. Shit, my ballllss hurt.. Fuccckk I've gone blind. sdaohfiaofaffl
Nah! Just kidding, I'm as good as god can be.
P.S. Many of you may feel the urge to lynch me after reading this so just to buy myself a few more years I assure you I do respect your faith though I might not agree with it. I mean no harm to your sensibilities so try not cutting this young boy's life short.
